First off, a warning - Joel, this letter, as it discusses bodybuilding and general issues of health, may be inappropriate for you. From your absence in the gym this morning, I can only assume that you find these topics terrifying.

The remainder of this note will be conducted in interview format.

"Jos! What's happened to you?! You've gotten so tall, you've got two heads, and what's happened to your face?"

"Those aren't my heads; they're my pectorals."

"But they're hugely swollen! They're rising two feet over your head!"

"What you describe as having 'swollen' I think of as having blossomed, like a mountain flower in an Alpine valley."

"Jos, why are you talking so strangely?"

"I am not Jos. You shall refer to me as CAPTAIN PROTEIN!

"Uhhh, why Captain Protein?"

"This Jos, when he wakes up every day at 6:45 AM, does he lie in bed for fifteen minutes, doing nothing but meditating on his flabbiolesness?"

"Yes ..."

"Not Captain Protein! He is awake at 6:45 AM, and by 6:46 AM he is gnawing away at a nutritious ProMax energy bar!"

"I see ..."

"20 GRAMS OF PROTEIN!!!"

"Okay ..."

"And at the end of his workout, does Jos have a wimpy little bagel with some fruit?"

"Yes ..."

"Not Captain Protein! Captain Protein has a masculine bagel, manly fruit, and TWO HUGE SCOOPS OF BLENDED EGG AND WHEY PROTEIN!!!"

"That's nice."

"25 GRAMS OF PROTEIN!!!"

"Umm, okay."

"THAT'S 45 GRAMS OF PROTEIN BEFORE 9:45 AM!!! You could chew at your hand all day and not receive that much bodybuilding power."

"When do we get Jos back?"

"When he is back, Jos will knock on your door."

"He'll knock on the door?"

"Yes, but he won't be there."

"Where will he be?"

"He'll be down the street."

"How's he going to knock on my door?"

"WITH THE THROBBING MASS OF HIS PECTORALS!"

"Oh, well that's good."

"Captain Protein is receiving no muscle-enhancing enjoyment from this conversation. GO TEAM PROTEIN!!!"

Let's have an interview with Captain Lazy:

"Joel--why weren't you at the gym this morning?"

"Well, first Robert and then Jos, I _was_, in fact, at the gym this morning. I arrived especially early, and worked out. I'll admit the workout was shorter than normal, but that's because I am Captain Lazy!"

"So, you're saying..."

"Yes. Captain Lazy was in the gym and done while Captain Protein was still trying to drag his pecs out of the sack."

"Hmmm...well, how do you feel about that protein stuff?"

"Protein is good for you--Jos may well have been eating insufficient amounts before. But he'd better watch out about his kidneys if he's hammering too much of it now--he should drink a LOT of water. And I'd like to know what his overall plan is...I mean, is he simply going to eat lots of protein? What percent of his daily calories will be protein? Carbohydrates? Fat? Captain Lazy is VERY big on moderation in all things, and believes that the 40-30-30 sort of plan is the way to go overall. How many calories does Captain Protein plan to consume each day? And can he really choke down those nasty bars? I mean, Captain Lazy has tried a lot of 'em, and let's face it, _poop_ probably has protein in it, but Captain Lazy ain't gonna eat _that_."

"Fascinating. Any other tips?"

"Yes. Remember: jello is protein."

And now a report in from our correspondent who has been trying to get a hold of Captain Jello all day:

"Captain Jello, were you in the gym this morning?"

"Yes, in spirit I was in all gyms across all of America this morning, encouraging everyone to keep pushing it--harder, harder."

"In all gyms? That's incredible."

"Yes, it is, but then you might say my Jellotenous body lets me get around without much effort. Slip in, slip out. Most people never even notice I've been there. They just find themselves feeling like maybe they should push themselves a little harder."

"A gelatinous body?"

"No, that's Jellotenous, as in Jello. It's all protein, you know. And the sugar free kind--which is delicious--has no carbohydrates and no fat."

"Oh."

"Remember: Jello is good and good for you."