"Sure, it was hard to turn down all the glamour, but the planet needed me" recalls "Amy", International Environmental Anti-Terrorist and former runway model. Since turning down cover deals from Elle, Vogue, and Mirabella, Amy has been hopping the globe, from toxic dumping grounds in Guatemala to strip mining sites in Siberia, always brandishing an uzi and her trademark rosy cheeks. "Sometimes, the eco-terrorists I bust think that I'm there for a photo shoot. But when they see the toessel thong, they know I mean business."

Sure, the girls still call me to do photo shoots, but I just can't relate to it anymore. Pose for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition? No, I've got three nuclear waste sites to clean up before Friday. Jet over to Paris for an interview and Fashion Benefit? No, I've got to plan a raid on the Arco Alaskan oil fields for the weekend. Basically it comes down to this: if I'm going to save the planet from international global meltdown, there's just no way that I'm going to be able to keep my nails in good shape at the same time.