Only your own mind is holding you back from growing extra appendages. We are more than what we eat; we are what we believe! This is why I've chosen to do my initial experiments on horses. I contend that with the proper diet and enough positive reinforcement, these horses can become anything they wish, including humans, or even something better!

The first step, of course, is to get them to look human. There was some initial resistance when I first started dressing them in specially made pants and mu-mus, but I think the stable's been warming up to the idea. Custom-made sneakers are the next step.

But such improvements are only superficial; to really affect change, we must make behavioral improvements. This is why I have begun to hold weekly tea parties and always insist that the horses walk upright, on their hind legs.

You can say I'm crazy, but I know I'm having an effect. Why, just last week, Nattie the mare, resplendent in her pink taffeta horse-mu-mu, actually complimented me on my bowler toessel. So considerate, those thoroughbreds!

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